When breastfeeding is hard
In honor of National Breastfeeding Awareness Month, I thought I would share a bit of my own breastfeeding story.
Like many mothers, I fully expected to breastfeed. It was a given-in my mind, there was no decision to make! It was the best, “right” thing to do, and therefore my straight-A perfectionist self would do it. I read Ina May’s Guide to Breastfeeding. I took a breastfeeding class at my local hospital. That was pretty much all that was available for preparation in my area, and so I assumed it would be all I needed--I was prepared! I knew about hunger cues! Supply and demand! Asymmetrical latch! Bring it on!
It turns out, reading about breastfeeding is very different from actually...breastfeeding a baby.
Nursing my baby felt like swimming through murky water. Concepts explained so neatly in my books and class did not seem translate to the tiny little being in front of me. Was he hungry, or just tired? Was he done nursing? Why was he bobbing off and on my breast? Too hungry? Tired? Overactive letdown? Too much milk? Not enough? Or maybe he just hated me.
Please, tell me how to get a newborn to get a “deep, wide latch” when my breasts were the size of cantaloupes and all he could do was clamp down on my sore, cracked nipples?
I was desperate. I googled. I scoured KellyMom for articles about fussy babies several times a day. I bookmarked a KellyMom article about caring for injured nipples, and consulted it almost daily. I texted my doula. I saw two lactation consultants and called each of them multiple times. We had his tongue and lip ties revised by a pediatric dentist. I soaked my nipples in salt water.
Over time, nursing got easier, my son became more predictable and easier to read. We settled into a rhythm. I started to understand why people did this.
And then I went back to work, and my supply tanked, and so did my baby’s weight gain. I made myself crazy squeezing in extra pumping sessions, power pumping on weekends, responding to every night waking so boost my milk supply. Nothing helped. I could not make enough milk, no matter how hard I tried.
I talked to a THIRD lactation counselor. And she gave me reassurance, and permission. To supplement with formula. I was heartbroken. But also so, so relieved.
Formula saved my breastfeeding journey. We continued to nurse and supplement with formula until he was a year old, and then breastfed for 6 more months after that, including through the first few months of my second pregnancy.
Breastfeeding is not simple. It is not easy. And while it may BE natural, it does not come naturally to many parents.
Why share my story? To normalize breastfeeding. To normalize that it can be very, very hard. So that you know if you are struggling, too...you are not alone.
Regardless of how long you breastfeed your baby, or whether you do it exclusively or use formula...you are enough. You are worthy. And you are exactly the right parent for your baby.
Are you facing breastfeeding struggles of your own?
You don’t have to figure this out alone! Some great local resources in Southern Maine:
Paula Norcott, CLC and owner of Maine Mother + Company
Maine Medical Center Breastfeeding Support Group (currently virtual due to COVID)
Tiffany Carter Skillings, IBCLC
Maine Medical Center Breastfeeding Support
Northern Light Mercy Hospital Lactation Connection
And of course...me! Arrive Postpartum offers virtual and in-person support, either through a postpartum doula visit or, if your feeding issues are more complex, a lactation consultation. Please reach out to learn more!
